Reply To: New Text Errors

#19902
Ned Stark
Participant

I would change the red underlined portion to this:

“All of them return in a hurry, which is unusual, as they typically have a strong inclination to dawdle about to eat up the sunlight and earn an easy day’s salary.”

I’d make these changes, as I feel that there should be a comma between “unusual” and “as”, as well as adding the word “typically” so that the reader easily understands that the mercenaries’ normal behavior is being contrasted to what they’re exhibiting now.

If I may say so, I think that the blue underlined portion is bland and has a bad transition.
I would recommend changing it to my sentence:
“As they draw closer though, the terrified looks on their faces become clear.”

I tried to create this replacement sentence with the same meaning as the blue underlined sentence had.

As always, these are only my suggestions.

Attachments:

"It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live." ~Marcus Aurelius

Game: "Characters with a height advantage against their opponents are harder to hit"
Me: "That's not true, and my short axeman is living proof!"