Topic: New Text Errors
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Use the same type of pronouns…
If you’re using “they” to describe the mercenary company, then use “they’re” (not it’s) to describe them and what they’re doing.
Attachments:
"It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live." ~Marcus Aurelius
Game: "Characters with a height advantage against their opponents are harder to hit"
Me: "That's not true, and my short axeman is living proof!"Red underline:
I think it sounds very strange to say, “…and the gods know what else…”.
(The saying is ‘only God knows what else’)
If you want to play off that saying, I’d suggest changing the red underlined portion to “… brigands and only the gods know what else are terrorizing these parts…”The reason this sounds odd is not only because of the alteration of that saying, but also because you re-use “know” in the same sentence (repeated descriptive word usage in a sentence is typically bad, i.e. I wouldn’t say, “We know that the Necrosavant knows that we’re right here”).
Perhaps try to replace “We both know…” with something like, “It’s common knowledge that…”.
Blue underline:
Switching “…and they all are quite fond of the roads.” to -> “…and they are all quite fond of the roads.” would sound much better, as it is better syntax.Green underline:
You don’t need to use the word “the” for “…guards lost the heart…” (Though I suppose you could use “the”).
I think it’d be better to use “…my old caravan guards have lost heart for the job.”.Lastly, these are only suggestions…
If you ever want to reach out to me for any assistance on grammar/syntax, etc, I’d love to help! I’ve sent Overhype Studios a friend request on Steam (My username on there is “That One Guy”).Attachments:
"It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live." ~Marcus Aurelius
Game: "Characters with a height advantage against their opponents are harder to hit"
Me: "That's not true, and my short axeman is living proof!"This one’s more for new players to comprehend what exactly is going on when they read the “Contract Locked” tooltip.
I’d recommend changing “…fulfill the ambition…” to -> “…fulfill an Ambition…” so that a newer player, and the audience that this tooltip is aimed at, would understand clearly that an Ambition is a major element of this game that they need to be focused on, and not just a sort of typo.
P.S.
I’d also recommend capitalizing, italicizing or bolding the word “Renown”, so that the reader also knows that this is a major element of the game too.Attachments:
"It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live." ~Marcus Aurelius
Game: "Characters with a height advantage against their opponents are harder to hit"
Me: "That's not true, and my short axeman is living proof!"If you add the word “the” before the quest location, it may sound a bit better.
Attachments:
"It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live." ~Marcus Aurelius
Game: "Characters with a height advantage against their opponents are harder to hit"
Me: "That's not true, and my short axeman is living proof!"1)
I think you meant to say, “handlers” instead of “handles”2)
I believe that this first sentence would sound better if you wrote it as…“The battle’s settled, as is a wager or two that the men had.”
(Include comma, add the word “that”)
Just a suggestion, of course."It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live." ~Marcus Aurelius
Game: "Characters with a height advantage against their opponents are harder to hit"
Me: "That's not true, and my short axeman is living proof!"From 0.9.0.20
It’d sound better if you changed the word “started” to -> “start”
OR
If you change the end of the sentence, “… if we don’t finish what we’ve started.”For the blue underline, if you’re Having Alwin reply to Asgeir in this case…
It may be a better choice for the sentence to flow like this:“Alwin the Champion replies to Asgeir with a pad on the shoulder, “But you are already known in every tavern and alehouse in the land for falling asleep in your beer”.
You do not need the comma between “land” and “for”.
Attachments:
"It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live." ~Marcus Aurelius
Game: "Characters with a height advantage against their opponents are harder to hit"
Me: "That's not true, and my short axeman is living proof!"I’d recommend swapping “either” and “lie”, so that the sentence flows better. That’s just my opinion though.
Attachments:
"It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live." ~Marcus Aurelius
Game: "Characters with a height advantage against their opponents are harder to hit"
Me: "That's not true, and my short axeman is living proof!"I would change the red underlined portion to this:
“All of them return in a hurry, which is unusual, as they typically have a strong inclination to dawdle about to eat up the sunlight and earn an easy day’s salary.”
I’d make these changes, as I feel that there should be a comma between “unusual” and “as”, as well as adding the word “typically” so that the reader easily understands that the mercenaries’ normal behavior is being contrasted to what they’re exhibiting now.
If I may say so, I think that the blue underlined portion is bland and has a bad transition.
I would recommend changing it to my sentence:
“As they draw closer though, the terrified looks on their faces become clear.”I tried to create this replacement sentence with the same meaning as the blue underlined sentence had.
As always, these are only my suggestions.
Attachments:
"It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live." ~Marcus Aurelius
Game: "Characters with a height advantage against their opponents are harder to hit"
Me: "That's not true, and my short axeman is living proof!"The first picture is a simple typo; “at” was used instead of “ate”.
For the second picture, if you have the dialogue state:
Bertram asks the men, “If a day’s march or a night spent in the rain wears you down, how will you face an orc charge?”
Someone snappishly replies, “Dry and alert.”
^ Doing so makes the dialogue slightly less confusing to the reader (so they know who’s talking where), and grammatically correct.
Note: I did swap the words “snappishly” and “replies” but that really doesn’t make a difference and isn’t incorrect at all to begin with… I just like the way I ordered it better.
Attachments:
"It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live." ~Marcus Aurelius
Game: "Characters with a height advantage against their opponents are harder to hit"
Me: "That's not true, and my short axeman is living proof!"In this case, you can use “has” or you can use “gets”, but you cannot use “get”.
(I’d prefer using “has”, but then again, my opinion doesn’t always matter)
Attachments:
"It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live." ~Marcus Aurelius
Game: "Characters with a height advantage against their opponents are harder to hit"
Me: "That's not true, and my short axeman is living proof!"In the attached screenshot, “brigands” are listed twice in a row within the text.
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For the “Horrified” tooltip, you should switch “and” to “is”.
For the second image, you certainly do not need the comma that I underlined.
Also for the second image, unless you’re actually having the Captain state… “You ask, ‘What the hell was that?'” (in that case it’d be fine)…. I think it’d sound better if you switched, “You ask what the hell was that.” to -> “You ask what the hell that was.”
Attachments:
"It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live." ~Marcus Aurelius
Game: "Characters with a height advantage against their opponents are harder to hit"
Me: "That's not true, and my short axeman is living proof!"
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